Sometimes our discomfort seems to last much longer than we expect. When I started my internship nearly 2 months ago, I was feeling particularly uncomfortable. Everything around me was changing, and I put the anxious feelings and concerns down to the countless unknowns I was facing. To a certain extent this was the case. After moving into my new house, getting to know my 10 new housemates and gradually adjusting my new timetable; I did loose a lot of my anxieties. However here I am, 8 weeks on, actually still feeling pretty uncomfortable. In the last 72 hours I have really seriously contemplated packing up my stuff and leaving the internship. Living in a house with 10 people is hard; working long and unpredictable hours is hard; only spending a day and a half a week in my department is hard; and not being able to see all my friends is hard. After working over 18 hours on thursday and not getting a wink of sleep overnight, on friday morning I found myself at the point of giving up. I was ready to run home, get a ‘simple’ job with regular hours and make an easier, more comfortable life for myself.
Now before continuing any further I just want to say that I know my kind of uncomfortable is nothing compared to others (a point that may well title a future blog post!). I recognise that there are people, some quite literally living on my doorstep, whose discomfort and difficulty is so much greater than mine. In the grand scheme of things I really have nothing to complain about: I have more than enough food to eat, I live in a warm house and I am supported by great friends and family. The first factor alone puts me in a better position than 805 million people and I don’t want to sound ignorant when talking about my ‘uncomfortable’ middle class life. Whilst I recognise that my discomfort is far less than many others in the world, I cannot help finding my current situation somewhat hard and uncomfortable.
I am beginning to wonder whether my discomfort in life is, at least in part, the result of minor amnesia to the sovereignty of God and elevated thoughts of myself. I believe in a God who created the world, in fact the entire universe, out of nothing. A universe with more than 350,000,000,000 galaxies, most of which up until recently, we didn’t even know existed. Within this vast expanse he placed millions of species of birds, animals, plants and trees each with ridiculous complexities. For example, a caterpillar has 228 separate and distinct muscles in its head. 228 muscles in a caterpillars head!? When I take a second to stop and consider creation, how vast and great it is and yet the depth of detail it also contains, I can’t help but find myself totally in awe of God’s power. In my book, this alone makes him worthy of my complete submission. When you add to this the fact that he sacrificed part of himself to show me his love and bring me back to him when I turn away, it seems to me completely ludicrous that anything or anyone else could be more important to me than pleasing him. Yet so often I forget this and my life becomes all about me. I become the star in my own movie, focusing entirely on myself, my happiness and my comfort. When I really stop and gaze on God’s character; his power, might, love and justice I find myself having a bit of a reality check - How can I be so foolish as to think it is all about me? Really it’s all about him, his love and grace, and the purpose of my life is to glorify him. This shift in perspective changes the way I view my life; my focus shouldn’t be on my own comfort, trying to live a life to glorify myself; instead my focus should be on God and trying to glorify him.
God asks me to put him and his plans above my comfort, and I think this is the least he deserves for his power, might and sacrifice. But the really great thing is that God, in all his greatness and majesty, actually cares about my discomfort. Part of the beauty of his experience as a man on earth is that he can relate to us when we are suffering. Not only does he relate to us, but he also gives us the strength to endure all things (Philippians 4:13). When I was feeling really low on friday morning, my bible reading for the day took me to Hebrews 12. This passage reminds me that while running God’s race requires training - training that can be hard - keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus enables me to persevere. God, in his grace, so often leads me to specific bible passages just when I need them and as with the Hebrews passage I read on friday, my reading for yesterday also rang true to my current emotions.
“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them” Psalm 126:5-6
God promises that one day, in the new creation if not before, he will restore all our fortunes. There will come a time where there will be no more tears, suffering or pain and we will reap in joy. Today I am thankful for the provision of God’s word which is steadfast through my changing emotions. At this time I am choosing to persevere through hard situations and trust in God’s plan for me. If you’re struggling at the moment, or even if you’re not, I really recommend taking some time out to stop and gaze on the character of God. When I do, I find myself in complete awe of his greatness, and it prompts me to pray “thy will be done, not mine”.
